As I wandered through a funky little grocery store downtown, looking for new and different things to try as an attempt to change up the routine around the house, I found a ton of interesting things I never knew existed. I discovered honeyed goat cheese, chickpea and kale hummus, wasabi couscous, and this
bottle of ChocoVine chocolate-flavored red wine.
Now, I am not much of a drinker. You would think I would be after
working with children all day, but alas I am not. I enjoy the occasional Blue Moon
Belgian-Style Wheat Ale with a slice of orange while at Chili’s but that’s about it. However, I was more
than intrigued by the prospect of a chocolate wine.
ChocoVine (horrible product name) is made in Holland by Team Products
which is owned by DeKuyper and then imported by Clever Imports in Fort
Lauderdale. And the bottle says Europa on it. (I think the whole thing
is a money laundering operation).
The
website for ChocoVine
is both absurd and awesome. It describes the combination of chocolate and
wine as having “near-orgasmic” effects. Now I’ll be the first one to
admit that a bottle of LaCrema and a box of See's chocolates are the perfect
pairing for a quiet night of watching
Girls on HBO, but I don’t think I ever came close to the aforedescribed experience. Perhaps ChocoVine will get me there.
They also mention the “years of research” that went into making
ChocoVine. At first I pictured a lab with a setup similar to Seth
Brundle’s in
The Fly. Wine in one pod and an accidental
chocolaty thumb smudge on the door before it was sealed. Though upon a
cursory glance at the ingredients list, apparently their research never
lead them to actually using real chocolate, only artificial flavors,
despite the site’s rhetoric about chocolate this and chocolate that.
They even throw down with the antioxidant health stuff. Shady.
And I can’t forget about the clip of ChocoVine being plugged on a
Lifetime look-at-this-crazy-product-am-I-right-ladies-type show that
looks like it should be playing on a TV screen in a doctor’s waiting
room. Don't you think the "Consume within SIX MONTHS of opening" should tip us all off? I mean, WHAT is IN this stuff that it can exist for a half a year after being opened!? That alone tips me off that it can't be that tasty, it's planning on renting shelf space for a half a year in my house!
The stuff smells like Bailey’s or Kahlua or some such creamy
liqueur. It’s smooth and thick. It doesn’t exactly ooze into the
glass but it certainly isn’t splashy. Really, it tastes like a spiked
Yoo-hoo. There’s no hint of grapes or wine other than the alcohol bite,
which is there, but minimal. You won’t be swirling and sniffing this
looking for subtleties and nuance.
If one was averse to the taste of spirits, this bottle would be an
express train to Drunktown (there may be connecting service to
Vomitville, as you just consumed 25 ounces of a thick chocolatish
grape-based beverage).
ChocoVine seems a little low rent and is obviously a novelty.
There’s nothing wrong with that. It tastes good enough. I’m sure a lot
of creative drinks could be mixed up with this stuff without breaking
the bank. I’d sip some on occasion. Whether I could finish a whole
glass, I don’t know. If you see a bottle, get it for your next get
together, if only for the conversation it will start. My husband and I cooked some down and poured it over ice cream, that was so far the best way to consume it we've found.
Oh yea, and it’s a Cabernet, if that means anything to you.
~Bridget
